My sweet Holden James,
Where do I even begin? Perhaps a couple months ago when I
sat on a bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face at the sight of two
blue lines. Perhaps, at our first doctor’s appointment, where we heard your
tiny heart beating. Or perhaps our story
starts many years ago when I was a little girl playing “house” and “babies”
with your aunts. My heart has longed for you my whole life it seems. Even
though when I first found out you would be joining our world it was terrifying,
I knew you were the baby I had spent my life dreaming about. Ever since I met your daddy I dreamed of what
it would be like to have babies with him. Neither of us thought a baby would be
coming this soon, but we can’t imagine a life without you in it anymore.
Holden, the night we found out about you is not a night I am
proud of. I feel like I did you an injustice by not being happy right away.
Maybe calling your aunt Brittney and begging her “please tell me false
positives exist” was unfair to you, and baby, I am sorry. I pray you didn't feel unloved. I remember praying that night: “God please help me love this baby
and be its momma. God please let me feel a connection to this life inside me.
God please keep this baby safe and help me and Spencer to do the right things.
God, please don’t let anything be wrong with this baby” I told God I was
scared, like he didn't already know. I cried deep, heavy sobs in to your
daddy’s chest. Daddy begged me: “Please don’t hyperventilate, honey. If you
can’t breathe the baby can’t breathe” Holden, daddy and I were scared. We are
not proud of how something that should have overjoyed us made us terrified, but
we were, and momma is so sorry.
Let’s fast forward to our first appointment at the doctor.
Daddy and I sat in the waiting room holding hands so tight I thought I might
break his fingers. I have a few health problems and spent my morning looking up
all the risks that come with them. That wasn’t smart of your momma. I just knew
the pregnancy was going to be ectopic and we were going to lose you. When they
finally came to get us they ran a lot of tests and asked a lot of questions. We
finally went in to the ultrasound room where the sweetest lady I’ve ever met
tried to calm us down. She pulled your tiny picture up on the screen but I
wouldn’t look quite yet. I said “Please tell me there is only one baby in
there” she said “yes, just one” and I said “please tell me the baby is in the
right place” she said “ Just look at the screen.” So I did, and there you were.
I watched your little heart flutter inside your tiny chest. I saw your little
face and your little belly and the tiniest of little legs. She turned on the
volume and we heard the sweetest sound ever, your beautiful heartbeat. 160
wonderful beats per minute. Holden, let me tell you something about your daddy. He
hides his emotions well, but I have to tell you, I have never seen him be so
transparent in my life. His eyes got very squinty and his tone got low. He
looked at me and said “That is so cool, babe. That’s our baby’s heart beating
in there” Oh, he was proud. That will never change.
I can’t wait to meet you. I feel like I’ve loved you my
whole life already. You and I have a
bond that is impossible to break. The way you kick, flip, and dance inside my
belly makes my heart so full. The way you get so excited and start doing crazy
ninja moves when you hear daddy’s voice is the sweetest part of my day. When I
feel scared or weak and like I’m not good enough to be your momma, you are
quick to reassure me in one swift movement. You have given daddy and I some
very bad scares along the way but we know you are healthy. We know God created
you and we know that you are a blessing straight from him. Baby, we are PROUD
to be your parents. We will always be here for you. We will never have all the
answers, but we will point you to the one that does. Holden, I am praying for
your salvation already. I pray that you will know the Lord and love his people.
My prayer is that daddy and I will be an example of God’s love, and that you will
cling to him always. When I think about God’s grace, words fall so short. I
thank him for your life. I thank him for blessing me with the ability to carry
a baby. I thank him that he has given us a son. My boy. Your story is just beginning and I feel so blessed to be
the one getting to watch the pages turn. I love you more than words can say.
All my love, forever,
Momma.
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