Holden James Williams: A Birth Story

I've wanted to write this post for a month now. Life is busy with a newborn though and I can honestly say this is the first time I've even turned my computer on since he has been here. Anyways, here it goes….

On Thursday June 6^th I woke up with mild contractions. Nothing too painful and they were sporadic so honestly I did not think much of it since I had been having prodromal labor since about 34 weeks. Spencer somehow had the day off and we decided to run some errands. As we were out and about my contractions started picking up a little pattern. We did not want to get ourselves too excited so we still just assumed they would stop. We went to grab lunch at our favorite Mexican restaurant and while we were there they started getting stronger so we called my OB to see if she could do a quick cervical check. We went in and she said I was dilated to a six and confirmed that labor was becoming active. She said to head to the hospital whenever we wanted to. I decided I didn't want to go in until they were really painful. So we went home, cleaned the house, took a nice long walk and just enjoyed spending a little time together for the last time as just the two of us. At 9:30 we headed to the hospital.

When we arrived at the hospital we let our families and our friends know what was going on. I was hooked up to monitors and decided to try and rest. Within the hour all our people began to show up. My parents, Spencer’s parents, My sisters, my Nana, Kirstyn, Casey, and Zac. Things were getting very real and very exciting. We decided to take a little walk around the halls to get things going. Eventually my contractions really picked up and we were officially admitted. It was such an exciting moment..we knew we were going to meet our baby soon. Friday morning at 6:30 the doctor on call came in and broke my water to help speed things up. I was dead set on a natural birth and wanted to avoid Pitocin at all costs so this seemed like the route to take. After my water was broken my contractions sped up to every minute and a half and lasting a full minute which means I had no break in between. They were unbearable. I tried everything I could think of to make them ease up and nothing worked. Spencer was incredible through it all. He rubbed my back, swayed with me, got in and out of the shower with me over and over again. My sister was a God send and helped coach me through every single pain. Casey and Kirstyn are the truest friends I will ever have…they stuck through all of it and never left. Our families were so caring and attentive. Even through all the pain and misery I have never felt so much love in one place.

Late Friday afternoon I still had not progressed past a six. I literally bawled my eyes out when they told me. I was so exhausted and was barely breathing through the contractions anymore. After a lot of discussing with Spencer we decided on an epidural because I needed some rest and things were going nowhere fast. I’m proud of myself for lasting as long as I did but after it was all said and done I could have literally kissed my anesthesiologist. I finally got comfortable and took a nap. After my nap we let everyone back in the room and finally had some nice time together. Casey even fixed my hair and make up for me since I looked like actual death. I finally started making progress and we were just waiting until it came time to push.

  It was about 1:00 Saturday morning that it came time to push. Everyone but Spencer and Brittney left the room and I started pushing whenever I felt the urge. Pushing a baby out is very exhausting business, just for the record. I was so tired and hadn't eaten or had anything to drink since Thursday evening. Brittney was nice enough to feed me ice chips in between pushes. Spencer was so great and encouraging even when I kept saying things like “He’s never coming out” and swearing up and down that I couldn't do it for one more second. My nurse was also great, she even let me feel Holden’s head when he was far enough down. The on call OB came in the room and told me he was going to have to help me with a suction assist because Holden had already been inside me for 21 hours after my water had been broken and it was too dangerous to allow me to keep trying to get him out by myself. The suction was the worst part, it was very painful and the idea of having someone pull on him while pushed really freaked me out. There were several nurses in the room and I was getting very scared. After several big pushes and pulls Holden James Williams was finally born at 4:41 am. He weighed eight pounds even and was 21 inches of pure perfection. Spencer cut the cord and they placed him on my chest. My heart was the fullest it has ever been. Holden immediately touched my face with his sweet little hand and I cried and cried and cried some more. Then they took him from me so they could get his stats and do his apgar. Spencer went with him and Brittney stayed with me while they stitched me up.

While Holden was in the warmer I started feeling very funny and my blood pressure tanked. Then several nurses came in the room and things got very scary. I hemorrhaged and lost a very large amount of blood. I kept looking at my husband, who was doing skin to skin with our brand new baby and crying. I wanted them to leave the room because I didn’t want them to see me die, which is what I thought was going to happen. But God is gracious and he worked through the incredible medical team and eventually I was stabilized. I am so thankful for the nurses and how quickly they work. I am so thankful for my sister and the way she reassured me and kept me calm while I was in a great deal of pain and fear. I am SO thankful The Lord saw fit to bless Spencer and I with our amazing son. I was finally able to have my boy in my arms again and all was right in my world. Also, there is nothing more incredible than watching the man you love fall in love with the baby you created together. Spencer became a daddy so fast and I personally think he is the best one around.

After several hours our families and sweet friends were finally allowed in the room to meet our new baby. What a sweet time that was for me to experience. Watching the people I love most in the world loving on my baby was so overwhelming and incredible. These people waited at the hospital for two days to meet our boy. I do not take that lightly. I could never thank our families and our friends enough for the way they encouraged us through the process. There is no greater feeling in the world than knowing how much these sweet humans love our son. I am eternally grateful to every single person that was there. I owe the world to my husband and my big sister for never leaving my side even in the toughest times. I honestly could not have done it without them. 

Life with Holden is so sweet. He is the perfect addition to our family. Spencer and I are always wondering how we ever lived a day in our lives without him. Being his momma is the greatest joy of my life, i could have never known just how much my heart would grow the second i laid eyes on him. He and Spencer are the best parts of my world and I am so thankful that the Lord allowed me to be their girl :) 

Laughing at myself

Okay, I'm just going to make a quick confession: My hormones are at their all time crazy this week. No really..all over the place. One second i am smiling and looking at flowers to plant and thinking of things to paint yellow. The next i am on the floor in tears because my husband forgot to order slaw on my hot dog so he obviously doesn't love me anymore and wishes we never got married, right? Yeah, that's what crazy pregnant lady over here concludes because there is no way possible that maybe he just forgot the slaw. I spent the majority of today on my pity pot. I cried all morning then most of the afternoon and I don't know why. I came home from work and Spencer was out running errands and getting ready for a long few days of work. When he gets home I flip out on him because i feel lonely and like nobody wants to hang out with me anymore and was complaining about how much he works. Well, to this, my husband tells me i am being irrational. Now here's the part where i lose it. Waterworks and all. I start screaming things at him like "Why did you even come home if you were just going to be mean to me?" and "You are stupid if you think that's irrational" and my personal favorite part is where I  tell my husband, who is a man, that he needs to "stop being ignorant and understand what pregnancy hormones feel like" because apparently it is possible and he just isn't trying hard enough. Ya'll, I'm not proud of this...I really am not. I also need to say that Spencer Williams is a saint and I do not deserve him. By the end of this fiasco we end up laughing because we both know I am crazy right now and figure one day it'll make for good dinner conversation. So now i am back to happy go lucky and trust me, I am laughing at myself as i replay today in my head. Pregnancy is tough, there is no denying that. It is painful, it is exhausting, it makes you crazy. It is also the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. I love this baby, i love him so so much. Spencer and i can't wait to welcome him in to our world within the next 4-6 weeks. We feel so incredibly blessed that we get to take this journey and are so thankful that God has brought us this far. I am sure by the end of it we will have a lot more laughs at my expense. Spencer is already planning all the things he and Holden are going to do as pay back and i know i am in for a world of trouble with these boys. :)

A letter to our son

My sweet Holden James,

Where do I even begin? Perhaps a couple months ago when I sat on a bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face at the sight of two blue lines. Perhaps, at our first doctor’s appointment, where we heard your tiny heart beating.  Or perhaps our story starts many years ago when I was a little girl playing “house” and “babies” with your aunts. My heart has longed for you my whole life it seems. Even though when I first found out you would be joining our world it was terrifying, I knew you were the baby I had spent my life dreaming about.  Ever since I met your daddy I dreamed of what it would be like to have babies with him. Neither of us thought a baby would be coming this soon, but we can’t imagine a life without you in it anymore.

Holden, the night we found out about you is not a night I am proud of. I feel like I did you an injustice by not being happy right away. Maybe calling your aunt Brittney and begging her “please tell me false positives exist” was unfair to you, and baby, I am sorry. I pray you didn't feel unloved. I remember praying that night: “God please help me love this baby and be its momma. God please let me feel a connection to this life inside me. God please keep this baby safe and help me and Spencer to do the right things. God, please don’t let anything be wrong with this baby” I told God I was scared, like he didn't already know. I cried deep, heavy sobs in to your daddy’s chest. Daddy begged me: “Please don’t hyperventilate, honey. If you can’t breathe the baby can’t breathe” Holden, daddy and I were scared. We are not proud of how something that should have overjoyed us made us terrified, but we were, and momma is so sorry.

Let’s fast forward to our first appointment at the doctor. Daddy and I sat in the waiting room holding hands so tight I thought I might break his fingers. I have a few health problems and spent my morning looking up all the risks that come with them. That wasn’t smart of your momma. I just knew the pregnancy was going to be ectopic and we were going to lose you. When they finally came to get us they ran a lot of tests and asked a lot of questions. We finally went in to the ultrasound room where the sweetest lady I’ve ever met tried to calm us down. She pulled your tiny picture up on the screen but I wouldn’t look quite yet. I said “Please tell me there is only one baby in there” she said “yes, just one” and I said “please tell me the baby is in the right place” she said “ Just look at the screen.” So I did, and there you were. I watched your little heart flutter inside your tiny chest. I saw your little face and your little belly and the tiniest of little legs. She turned on the volume and we heard the sweetest sound ever, your beautiful heartbeat. 160 wonderful beats per minute. Holden, let me tell you something about your daddy. He hides his emotions well, but I have to tell you, I have never seen him be so transparent in my life. His eyes got very squinty and his tone got low. He looked at me and said “That is so cool, babe. That’s our baby’s heart beating in there” Oh, he was proud. That will never change.

I can’t wait to meet you. I feel like I’ve loved you my whole life already.  You and I have a bond that is impossible to break. The way you kick, flip, and dance inside my belly makes my heart so full. The way you get so excited and start doing crazy ninja moves when you hear daddy’s voice is the sweetest part of my day. When I feel scared or weak and like I’m not good enough to be your momma, you are quick to reassure me in one swift movement. You have given daddy and I some very bad scares along the way but we know you are healthy. We know God created you and we know that you are a blessing straight from him. Baby, we are PROUD to be your parents. We will always be here for you. We will never have all the answers, but we will point you to the one that does. Holden, I am praying for your salvation already. I pray that you will know the Lord and love his people. My prayer is that daddy and I will be an example of God’s love, and that you will cling to him always. When I think about God’s grace, words fall so short. I thank him for your life. I thank him for blessing me with the ability to carry a baby. I thank him that he has given us a son. My boy. Your story is just beginning and I feel so blessed to be the one getting to watch the pages turn. I love you more than words can say.

All my love, forever,

Momma.