Laughing at myself

Okay, I'm just going to make a quick confession: My hormones are at their all time crazy this week. No really..all over the place. One second i am smiling and looking at flowers to plant and thinking of things to paint yellow. The next i am on the floor in tears because my husband forgot to order slaw on my hot dog so he obviously doesn't love me anymore and wishes we never got married, right? Yeah, that's what crazy pregnant lady over here concludes because there is no way possible that maybe he just forgot the slaw. I spent the majority of today on my pity pot. I cried all morning then most of the afternoon and I don't know why. I came home from work and Spencer was out running errands and getting ready for a long few days of work. When he gets home I flip out on him because i feel lonely and like nobody wants to hang out with me anymore and was complaining about how much he works. Well, to this, my husband tells me i am being irrational. Now here's the part where i lose it. Waterworks and all. I start screaming things at him like "Why did you even come home if you were just going to be mean to me?" and "You are stupid if you think that's irrational" and my personal favorite part is where I  tell my husband, who is a man, that he needs to "stop being ignorant and understand what pregnancy hormones feel like" because apparently it is possible and he just isn't trying hard enough. Ya'll, I'm not proud of this...I really am not. I also need to say that Spencer Williams is a saint and I do not deserve him. By the end of this fiasco we end up laughing because we both know I am crazy right now and figure one day it'll make for good dinner conversation. So now i am back to happy go lucky and trust me, I am laughing at myself as i replay today in my head. Pregnancy is tough, there is no denying that. It is painful, it is exhausting, it makes you crazy. It is also the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced in my entire life. I love this baby, i love him so so much. Spencer and i can't wait to welcome him in to our world within the next 4-6 weeks. We feel so incredibly blessed that we get to take this journey and are so thankful that God has brought us this far. I am sure by the end of it we will have a lot more laughs at my expense. Spencer is already planning all the things he and Holden are going to do as pay back and i know i am in for a world of trouble with these boys. :)

A letter to our son

My sweet Holden James,

Where do I even begin? Perhaps a couple months ago when I sat on a bathroom floor with tears streaming down my face at the sight of two blue lines. Perhaps, at our first doctor’s appointment, where we heard your tiny heart beating.  Or perhaps our story starts many years ago when I was a little girl playing “house” and “babies” with your aunts. My heart has longed for you my whole life it seems. Even though when I first found out you would be joining our world it was terrifying, I knew you were the baby I had spent my life dreaming about.  Ever since I met your daddy I dreamed of what it would be like to have babies with him. Neither of us thought a baby would be coming this soon, but we can’t imagine a life without you in it anymore.

Holden, the night we found out about you is not a night I am proud of. I feel like I did you an injustice by not being happy right away. Maybe calling your aunt Brittney and begging her “please tell me false positives exist” was unfair to you, and baby, I am sorry. I pray you didn't feel unloved. I remember praying that night: “God please help me love this baby and be its momma. God please let me feel a connection to this life inside me. God please keep this baby safe and help me and Spencer to do the right things. God, please don’t let anything be wrong with this baby” I told God I was scared, like he didn't already know. I cried deep, heavy sobs in to your daddy’s chest. Daddy begged me: “Please don’t hyperventilate, honey. If you can’t breathe the baby can’t breathe” Holden, daddy and I were scared. We are not proud of how something that should have overjoyed us made us terrified, but we were, and momma is so sorry.

Let’s fast forward to our first appointment at the doctor. Daddy and I sat in the waiting room holding hands so tight I thought I might break his fingers. I have a few health problems and spent my morning looking up all the risks that come with them. That wasn’t smart of your momma. I just knew the pregnancy was going to be ectopic and we were going to lose you. When they finally came to get us they ran a lot of tests and asked a lot of questions. We finally went in to the ultrasound room where the sweetest lady I’ve ever met tried to calm us down. She pulled your tiny picture up on the screen but I wouldn’t look quite yet. I said “Please tell me there is only one baby in there” she said “yes, just one” and I said “please tell me the baby is in the right place” she said “ Just look at the screen.” So I did, and there you were. I watched your little heart flutter inside your tiny chest. I saw your little face and your little belly and the tiniest of little legs. She turned on the volume and we heard the sweetest sound ever, your beautiful heartbeat. 160 wonderful beats per minute. Holden, let me tell you something about your daddy. He hides his emotions well, but I have to tell you, I have never seen him be so transparent in my life. His eyes got very squinty and his tone got low. He looked at me and said “That is so cool, babe. That’s our baby’s heart beating in there” Oh, he was proud. That will never change.

I can’t wait to meet you. I feel like I’ve loved you my whole life already.  You and I have a bond that is impossible to break. The way you kick, flip, and dance inside my belly makes my heart so full. The way you get so excited and start doing crazy ninja moves when you hear daddy’s voice is the sweetest part of my day. When I feel scared or weak and like I’m not good enough to be your momma, you are quick to reassure me in one swift movement. You have given daddy and I some very bad scares along the way but we know you are healthy. We know God created you and we know that you are a blessing straight from him. Baby, we are PROUD to be your parents. We will always be here for you. We will never have all the answers, but we will point you to the one that does. Holden, I am praying for your salvation already. I pray that you will know the Lord and love his people. My prayer is that daddy and I will be an example of God’s love, and that you will cling to him always. When I think about God’s grace, words fall so short. I thank him for your life. I thank him for blessing me with the ability to carry a baby. I thank him that he has given us a son. My boy. Your story is just beginning and I feel so blessed to be the one getting to watch the pages turn. I love you more than words can say.

All my love, forever,

Momma.